How I Healed a Fear That Controlled My Life for Decades

Two people recently told me, “You need to be more open and vulnerable about your story.”
At first, I resisted. NewLeadersMovement isn’t about me, I thought. But something inside me knew they were right.

This morning, I woke up with a vivid memory—one that shows just how powerful the mind is. It reminded me that true healing doesn’t come from endlessly analyzing the past. It comes from shifting the emotions we attach to our experiences.

The Butterfly That Never Was

As a child, I was certain of one thing: I would reincarnate as a butterfly.
Butterflies meant freedom—floating through the air, smelling flowers, roaming wherever the wind carried me.

One day in class, we watched an episode of Klokhuis, an educational show for kids. That day’s topic? Reincarnation.

As I sat among my classmates, I imagined myself transforming into a butterfly, fluttering freely in my next life. Then, the teacher spoke:

"Reincarnation doesn’t exist. When you die, that’s it. There is nothing after."

His words shattered me. My mind spiraled into a dark abyss. What does nothingness feel like? What if I disappear forever? I pictured myself trapped in endless darkness—aware, alone, unable to return.

Panic gripped me. My stomach ached. Tears welled up as I rode my bike home. That fear didn’t fade—it consumed me.

For months, I couldn’t escape the terror of death. My mother, seeing my distress, finally took me to a psychologist.

The Wrong Kind of Help

I didn’t want to go. But I did.

Session after session, the psychologist asked about my family, my strict father, our cultural background. But no matter how many times I said, "I’m afraid of dying," she kept redirecting the conversation elsewhere.

She didn’t understand. I didn’t need to talk about my father—I needed relief from the relentless fear that had become my shadow.

By the third session, I’d had enough. I told my mother I was healed just to avoid going back.

But the truth? I suffered in silence. From age 11 to 35, the fear of death never left me.

The Night Everything Changed

At 35, I found myself in Colombia.
Not by plan. Not knowing what was coming.

Somehow, I ended up standing in front of a shaman, holding a cup of Ayahuasca in my trembling hands.

I hate losing control. Yet, there I was—about to surrender completely.

The moment the Ayahuasca took effect, I was pulled into the tunnel.
My tunnel.
The dark, endless space I had feared my entire life.

I panicked. I don’t want to go! It’s too dark! I cried out to the shaman.

He calmly led me outside, placed me by the fire, and said, "See the light."

I started singing softly.
"You got to see the light…"
The melody wrapped around me. The fear loosened its grip.

And after a few hours —I wasn’t afraid anymore.

In that moment, something shifted. I connected a different feeling to my imagination a a fairy tail I created about death. I no longer saw darkness—I saw peace. And just like that… I was free.

Your Mind Holds the Key to Healing

We carry stress, fears, and limiting beliefs based on experiences we never chose. We repeat the same thoughts, attach the same emotions, and keep ourselves trapped.

But here’s the truth: if you change the feeling, your mind will feel differently about it, and can let go. And when you do that—you set yourself free.

I know, because I lived it.

And now, I help others do the same.

If you’re ready to release the fears and patterns that hold you back, let’s talk. Book a discovery call with me.